I Break A Lot
I break a lot. As a mirror, that tends to happen.
Adolescence, one might say, is marked by trying out many different ways of being and pushing ones limits in a process that aids in understanding oneself. I tried on many different suits and uniforms, none felt quite right. So much so, my friends called me a chameleon. I didn’t see it that way. I just wanted to learn from people, to resonate with each and everyone I met.
But, after a life of breaking with old ways, old friends and relationships, with home, with roots, with dreams, what does one become? What does one fall back on? What is my shape, my color, my default?
I am humpty dumpty.
Can one break so many times one no longer can put the pieces together in a useful way?
Perhaps the real problem is I never had a solid, reliable template to work with from the beginning – having divorced parents and in constant flux between many families. So I keep seeking new templates to try, like a tailor looking for just the right pattern from which to make the perfect suit.
I break with the past, with my habits to move, to learn, to grow, to avoid boredom?
Breaking - to be of use - must lead to new understandings.
What have I learned that another break would not re-enforce? What new would I learn?
One never knows what one may learn, but can a likelihood of learning something new be predicted? Can one break too often?
Most of us avoid change and are stuck in ruts. But, can one break too often?
Breaking - to be of use - must lead to new understandings, but breaking too often eliminates the possibility of slow, gradual, incremental, hard-earned growth.
Is there a difference between the growth of constant movement, travel and adventure to that of the growth earned through commitment, stability and patience?
Depends on what one seeks and needs to learn and has already learned, I suppose.
I have little patience.
originally uploaded at drippet.com
Or do habits become preferences? Is my familiarity with breaking a rut I like to be in?
Perhaps, preferences become habits and I need to break the habit of breaking.
I am not stable.
I have been known to have a mini-crisis a day for weeks on end. They are not real crises, just imagined drama from anxiety or insecurity. Perhaps the breaking is a way to distract me from the anxiety and insecurity. While forced to adjust from the latest break, I am too busy coping to notice the underlying noise.
I have little patience or stability.
I am committed to learning and growing.