Life After Brain Injuries: Are We Still the Same People?

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Biology 202
2002 Second Paper
On Serendip

Life After Brain Injuries: Are We Still the Same People?

Alyson Dymkowski

During the summer of my junior year, a friend of mine, we will call her "Jen", got into a horrible car accident. Apparently sitting in the middle of the backseat, only strapped in with a lap belt, my friend hit her head on the side window, smashing the window upon impact. After 3 weeks of being in a coma, my friend eventually recovered. Even though she was deemed "physically" healed, my friend was truly never the same. Not only had her demeanor and interests changed, but also it seemed as if she had become a completely different person after her accident. I thought it very sad at the time, because the friends who had been close to her before were no longer close. I did not understand what they meant when they said that she had become a different person. Certainly, I realized that she had changed, but I could not fathom that she was now so different that they could no longer treat her like the old "Jen". I believed that this new "Jen" was still the same person as before-that the inner soul with which they had become friends had never and, indeed, could never change. However, after reading Descartes' Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain, by Antonio R. Damasio, I regret the harsh judgments I made about "Jen's" friends. Dealing with someone who has suffered from a tremendous change in personality is not as easy as one would expect.

Descartes, a famous philosopher, once made the statement, "Cogito ergo sum" (6). Like, Descartes, I previously believed that a separation between the mind and one's body existed. I believed that the mind of an individual was his or her soul and that the brain and body were just the machinery used to share that soul with the outside world. I never thought that an injury to the brain could cause a change in the entire essence of a person. However, Damasio espouses beliefs which are the exact opposite of Descartes. Damasio argues that the brain and mind are two inseparable entities and that thinking is the function of the brain. Aristotle once stated, "If the eye had a soul, it would be seeing". Using this format, a soul is defined as the function of something. If the function of the brain is to think, then it would follow that the soul of a person exists in one's mind, where the capability to think is lodged. If this mind is the consequence of a functioning brain, then it can be said that when a brain suffers an injury, an individual's entire essence is injured as well. This idea of a person's essence, or soul, changing is controversial. I believe this controversy arises because it is too frightening for a person to fathom that his intrinsic being could be permanently changed as a result of an unpreventable action. However, the evidence in favor of the premise that the mind is a function of the brain, or the brain is equal to one's behavior, is astonishing (5).

Brain injury is any injury that results in damage to the brain. For many people who suffer from brain injury, the problems associated with it become a permanent part of their lives. The problems that develop depend upon which part of the brain is injured. People can lose cognitive and motor functions as well as their ability to express thoughts and perceive their surroundings. The most unnerving consequence of a brain injury can be a change in personality. Often after being injured victims, like my friend "Jen", develop an apathy and decreased motivation for life. Emotion can run to both extremes: a forever high, or as in the case of my friend, an absence there of (1). In society there is a difference in the response shown to someone who has suffered a brain injury that changes his or her personality, and someone whose injury has affected any other part of the body, or even other types of injuries to the brain. What accounts for this difference? If an individual loses a limb, he loses the function of that limb as well. It makes sense then that when an individual loses part of his brain, the function of that part goes too. This is in correlation with the statement, brain = behavior. Each part of the brain seems responsible for different behaviors, a fact that is reinforced when examining injuries to different areas of the brain and the varying results that occur. For example, if an individual suffers injury to their amygdala, he becomes calm and almost devoid of emotional ups and downs. People have therefore reasoned that this area of the brain is responsible for exhibiting anger and possessing violent emotions (9). If the function of a specific area of the brain is a defining characteristic of an individual's personality, then it is almost as if a new person develops, in place of the old, when an injury to that area occurs.

In the summer of 1848, a man named Phineas Gage incurred a traumatic injury to the frontal lobe region of his brain after a sudden explosion sent a rod straight through his head. Against many odds, Phineas survived, but afterwards his demeanor changed dramatically. Once a calm, balanced, and levelheaded man, Gage became an overly emotional, unbalanced and quite vulgar man upon recovery. Friends he had had previously, now compared him to an animal and made the perplexing statement, "Gage was no longer Gage" (3). The most frightening thing about this story is that, although Gage was very different, he was not aware of the changes within himself. In class we have explored the nervous system and noted that there is a separate I-function involved, making one aware of the "self". With each class, it becomes more evident that this I-function has less and less control on the rest of the nervous system. Many times the I-function is not aware of things that the nervous system is doing until the person is told what his or her nervous system is doing, (i.e., when the brain makes up an image for the place of vision, the optic nerve, where no sensory receptors are located). So the question I have for people like Gage, who seem to be totally dissimilar people after suffering a brain trauma, is whether or not their I-functions are aware of the change in personality? People suffering from a personality change are unable to will themselves back to their old personality, even after their I-function is made aware. This furthermore, supports that brain equals behavior, because if behavior was independent of the brain, one would be able to change their personality back despite the brain changes. However, can we ever be sure that, because we are not mind readers, that even though their personality changes, they are not thinking in the same manner, as Descartes would argue? And if the individual thinks in an entirely new manner, would that really be enough to consider him or her a totally different person?

The likely reality is that when someone's brain is injured, the function is forever injured as well. There is no separation between mind and brain. Popular opinion of the mind's function is that it is a result of a brain process. Although when the brain loses a function, it is not unlike the reaction incurred in any other part of the body, but the more important query remains. Which characteristics do we use when defining a person's being? If Gage had suffered from a trauma to any other part of his body and survived, his friends would never have said that Gage was no longer the same person. Often when people undergo a personality change, their IQ remains unaffected by the injury. This is because of the various tasks delegated to the brain. The frontal lobe has evolved to be the main organizer. If people, like Gage, damage this region of their brain, their persona changes because this region is imperative for defining one's personality. However, if Gage had suffered from an injury to his temporal region, his personality would seem the same, only his memory would be adversely affected (9). An example of a personality change as a result of frontal lobe damage is a 12 year old boy who was in a car accident. Since the accident, the child has been aggressive and suffers from unpredictable destructive fits. Although his I.Q remains at 128 since the accident he has been expelled 3 times from different schools for his hostile persona, brought about after the damage to his brain (4). What, then, is the most important factor accounting for the way a person becomes defined; what has happened to make the various regions of the brain become so specialized? Has there been a gradual process through evolution that makes the loss of the frontal lobe harder to deal with than the loss of other regions of the brain, or other body parts? Or has the brain always functioned in this manner? When examining the responses to what appears to be injuries that are all serious in nature, it becomes apparent that some injuries are, indeed, more acute than others. Although an injury which is noticeable may on the surface seem more life changing, it cannot be argued that it is the injuries which are held within one's mind that are the most devastating to a person's being. Yes, they are all injuries to the body, but only those touching the brain have the capacity to change the "soul" of a person.

References

1)Brain Injury Society, A good site defining what brain injury is, its causes, and its treatments

2)Traumatic Brain Injury Resource Guide, a good diagram of the frontal lobe of the brain and a good description of its functions

3)Cyber Museum of Neurosugery, a good site about Phineas Gage

4)Alasbimn Journal, a legal page discussing the issues of aggressive personality change and the law

5) Antonio R. Damasio, Descartes' Error, New York: Avon Books, Inc., 1994, a great book with much about Phineas Gage and other Brain injury victims

6) Rene Descartes, Discourse on Method and Meditations on First Philosophy, Indianapolis, Indiana: Hackett Publishing Co., Inc., 1998, can't read one without the other!

7)Athiest Site, a site dedicated to atheism that explores some of the questions this paper raises

8)American University, a site outlining the neurospychology of emotion

9)University of Northern Iowa, a site dedicated to the effects of different injuries to the brain

 

 

Comments made prior to 2007

Hi, I just wrote the following letter to a Brain Injury Treatment Center I spent the last two weeks at. I have suffered a total of four brain hemorrhages in the right Frontal Lobe. Since the last one, a year ago, the entire essence of my being has changed. It has been completely devastating to me, yet they say I scored much higher on my tests than they anticipated. It has rocked my world. I am an ordained Minister, yet this brain injury has changed me spiritually as well. If you would like any information regarding this please feel free to correspond. Professionals need to understand this. Here is the letter I wrote before finding your article:

Thanks for writing. I have some concerns about the following aspects of this brain injury. I guess what people are not understanding is that my entire being and former personality has changed. I'm not the same spiritually, mentally or emotionally since the last brain hemorrhage. God was my life, and my relationship with Him was everything to me. I no longer have that. Oh, I know God still loves me, but it's all just knowledge now and not true intimacy. I have been emotionally and spiritually flat-lined. This brain injury has changed my whole life. No matter what I do, or how hard I try to make things better, I am still absent. How can I function as a robot for the rest of my life and find any pleasure in that? Everything I was, is no more. I am a stranger to myself, and to those who once knew me. I used to be a very optimistic, passionate person, full of compassion, insight and wisdom. Now I am an empty shell. From the time I wake up in the morning until I go to bed at night, I simply have to act because I am no longer present. My only hope right now, is the hereafter. I am not depressed or suicidal, I am simply stating the facts. Living as a robot, is like living in a private hell that no one seems to fathom the depths of. Just try to imagine being thrown into someone else's body in which the former person has vacated, leaving you in charge and you don't have a clue what to do? I know I may have scored high on the tests, but how can you test someone's personality changes and their loss of identity? Is there anyone that truly understands Frontal Lobe Injury? ... Debra Kirby, 2 February 2006

 

 

My son was in car accident in 2001 with my mom who died on impact it was two cars one going 55 the other going 70 my moms was the one 55. Everyone died except my son who i swear to God i didnt bring the same son home. He yelled alot and cussed made my life hell for sevreal years who ende up making me take a job on the rode to get away. Everytime he yells he threatens to kell people even kids, Threatens who he is yelling at and later appoloizes for it.he used to scare me, wake me, and sometimes be so sweet later like my old son, he was 15 then now he is 21 cant get people to see he is not normal and never will again..i couldnt take the pressure anymore feel bad but just couldnt..is there any medication or herbs, can he get on disability, he dont seem to want to work it seesm that way but not forsure he really gets it tho. He threatens death or u used to, wishes he had never lived i love him, miss him..please help me..and please send some kind of report to my sister who to this day thinks he is forever the same child but he is not..please please help him, me, and please pray for him..and me and my daughter who he stays with ... Lena Woods, 28 April 2007

Comments

Serendip Visitor's picture

sub- dural haematoma

Hi,
My Dad suffered a sub dural haematoma due to a bad fall at work. He fell down the stairs and was left unconscious overnight. Thankfully the swelling on his brain went down and the clot dissolved itself. I dont mean to sound ungreatful as I am so glad he is alive but his personality is definately different. He seems very spaced out and uninterested, emotionless I would say apart from getting very concerned about particular things like a missing part of a camera or money concerns but otherwise he lacks the drive and energy he once had and I really miss that. I feel a bit paranoid because the rest of my family dont talk about the changes.
He sometimes behaves strangely and waves to strangers when driving, approaches people he does not know and he is uninterested in reading which he always loved and never missed the newspapers. He never gets them now.
I feel sad and sometimes look at this man and wonder where my dad is...

Annie's picture

I am me again

I have read these comments with great interest. I came off a horse on the 23rd July 2000 and fell on the top of my head. There are two main issues with brain injury. One, is the misdiagnosis and poor treatment that very often follows a TBI, and the second, is the loss of 'Self' or the soul.
Through my experience of a serious traumatic brain injury I can confirm that I 'lost' my 'self' and it took me five plus years to fully realise this. Since this time I have 'focused' (I use that word 'loosely') on rebuilding the Annie that existed prior to my injury. This has been a fascinating journey and yes, I am 'me' again. Despite the fact that I still cope on a daily basis with my on-going disabilities, I am fully aware that these disabilities are not 'who I am' but are rather a lack of functionality of my brain. There is a clear distinction for me.
I believe I have worked out exactly why people with brain injury appear to 'change' and can also catagorically state that the person who existed before is still there beneath the disabilities that rage. Please fell free to contact me at . I am in the process of building my own website and have written a book, due for publication fairly soon, called 'My Latent Self, The Recovery of My Soul Following Brain Injury.'

Serendip Visitor,  Catalina's picture

After my coma, life feels swept from the Tide

I read the article and comments I felt such relief. Because it describes some of what I'm going through. I suffered a coma years back after losing consciousness during a severe asthma attack. I was taken by ambulance, hospitalized, intubated fell into a coma. (There were complications) asthma meds and asthma steroids caused fluctuations in my blood sugar I was given insulin. Although I was only in a coma for a week ( a short time), but during that week I lost something much more apparently than days.
It was My sense of self. After I came home I felt like I'd been in one of Salvador Dali's painting. Everything felt unreal surreal.
The memory loss threw me off. I don't know how I really was before my coma (that part seem to be slated off too) I guess I was a mousy lovable people pleaser from my diaries and poems. Back then I must have been sweet, lovable or congenial.

Needless to say after the coma I'm still thinking ( I am that same person I was before) but in reality I was different, very different.
I seemed to have less restraint, more mouth and more energy more passion. The sad part was everyone wanted the Old quiet me back. They treated me differently as well. Either as if I'm a child to be talk down too or patronized, or if my difference in personality is an act or a phase that will blow over. I withdrew from my family only because basically they withdrew from me. I feel like grieving cause I can never be that person "they remember". It causes arguments and friction. They don't like nor accept who I am now. The general consensus is they make excuses and try to attribute my personality change to other things. The plain Truth is before my coma, I had no "personality" or "memory" or "vision" problems. If they only realized this, that other things were affected as well. I have sensitivity to light, my depth perception and peripheral vision is gone. Slowly my visual acuity is disappearing. I have no short term memory I forget things instantly... I have to write everything down or else I forget it. I can never get those things back either. Hopefully my family will come around. I love them even though they seem like familiar strangers to me.

I could get angry but there really is no one to get angry at. It is what it is. I am grateful I am alive and survived. I'm happy I lost tons of weight (but in a good way). Now I am very active ( The OLD me was sedentary ). I've set new goals for myself,. Still I am sad that I can never regain the closeness I once shared or the memories that made us close. I envy all those lucky people whose family remained close after their traumatic injury. A brain injury isnt like a broken arm or leg that people can physically see it's been damaged and physically see if its healing or not. I will never be that Old Catalina. I can only hope to find friends who will like and accept the me I am now, the new me.

Serendip Visitor's picture

Brain haemmorage

Thank you, Last October (11 mths ago) ago i suffered a brain haemmorhage & subsequent brain surgery. I am 46years old. The only warning was constant migraines for about a month .It is hard to explain to people just how you feel or function differently. All the comments posted have helped me enormously. I am in Australia & have not been able to access much information or support. I too have friends that have said " Im not the same person i was before. I was a typical organised over achieving A type peronality before this. I have always been very sociable but now find it hard to talk to people, especially in a group situation. I am still finding it hard to concentrate, and never seem to sleeo more than 4 or 5 hrs each night, so begins the vicious cycle of being exausted all the time. I am learning to slow down & trying not to put so much stress on myself. I still feel extremely lost & feel like i've lost friends, family and my career. thank you to all the people who have shared their experiences on this site.

Tiffany Hill's picture

Thank you all for sharing

Thank you all for sharing your stories and experiences! Although, I cannot say that I understand what you all & your loved ones are going through, I do understand how seemingly losing yourself can be a terrible and unfortunate struggle. I want to tell you all that Jesus is a healer and there is ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM too difficult for God to solve. Please, be encouraged my brothers and sisters, for, "...we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). You are blessed beyond knowledge. There are many people who have suffered tribulations such as yours and who did not live to tell their stories, give their testimonies and help those who may be awaiting a similar fate. We are all unaware of what the future holds, but God is using you all to aid someone, perhaps even myself, who may soon experience a brain trauma. This person needs to know that he/she is not alone. You are reassuring them of this right now! Therefore, you are being "called according to His purpose" and so, "all things [will] work together for [your] good." Please, trust and believe. God knows your hearts and you have not lost your souls. The very fact that so many of you want to be better and desire to be loving, caring and joyful people testifies and provides proof of the inherent goodness of your hearts and souls. You are alive and thus, your souls are alive! Remain good and righteous people! Do not let the enemy steal your joy and convince you that you are no longer useful and honorable. I do not know you and yet, I can say without a doubt, that I LOVE YOU AND YOU ARE LOVED BEYOND BELIEF! Once again, Thank You All!!! You have truly been an inspiration to me!!!!

Rango's picture

Releived

I'm releived to hear i'm not alone, but scared at the same time for the fact that this is all real.It's hard to grasped because i only want to be my old self again.

tracey samson's picture

brain injury

i have problems spelling words, i hope that i can exsplain what happen to me . it was 24 yearsago i was driveing with my friend one day and we were comeing back from work , and at the time i thought that day that something felt different at the time so i got on my friends motorbike and we started to hid back home . i can never stop thinking about that i cant wate till i get home and from some reason my thoughts went blank and the next thing that i remember was that i had a bad headake and every thing that i saw was just blerey and i couldent rember anything i did not wno i was and who was the people were in the hospitly i did not no who was my mom and dad was and my brothers were to from some reason my thoughts were not clear at all there wee only parts of things that were so funny like makeing my mother cry and telling everyone to go away it fineily took me 2 yerars to get my head tgeter and when i did my mom tod me everthing that what happen to me she said that my friend was driveing real fast and that we allmost hit some rearvew windows going end and outer laines driveing fast she told me that someone cross the highway and didnot stop at the stopsingh and hit us and thrugh my friend 120 feet in the middle of the laine and i was pined to the bike and whin it hit the curb i was trone about 160 feet and landing on the nutralgroung she told me that i had no halment on my head she allso told me that the ems pernoce me dead forabout 4 to 5 minets thay tod my mother that my pouse was not reading at all but from some reason they were able to bring me back ,and i told my mom that how can i not died from not haveing on my halment. well i can tell you more but i have trouble spelling if there someone willing to write about my exsrerence please write to i was so good to tell you about my braine trommar think you and god bless

Amanda Faulkner's picture

Never the same

Many thanks to all those who have shared. Nice to know I am not alone. I was brutally attacked in 1985 - walked down a well-used road in daylight, woke up in hospital about a month later with my head wrapped in bandages so much I looked like a "mummy-in-the-making".

I remember waking in the hospital, & telling my parents that they should have left me where I was to die, & that I don't want to live. I repeated this statement for at least a couple years after.

Previously, I had been a well-organised, calm, level-headed person with ambition. I had set up my own training schedule for my sport as I was extremely competitive & dtermined to be the best in this country. I enjoyed sports with the family, but was socially reserved (embarrassingly shy, mum calls it).

I had Frontal Lobe damage & right-hand side damaged too, (basically the skull had been shattered).

I was put on Phenobaritone for potential epilepsy fits. This medication took me from the highest high to the lowest low in a heartbeat - no trigger required. I was then put on Tegrotol as an alternative.

Now, I don't understand or know myself. I have emotional extremes - there is no medium - very happy or very sad loving, or hating. I have acquired a temper like one I would punish my kids for. I am so disorganised, I can't anything of importance. My house is in total disarray. I write lists - of everything, thoug I never used to. Short-term emory is shot - long-term is not so bad.

I am now seriously intolerant, impatient, spontaneous, a shopaholic, alcoholic (although trying to dry up). I have found my voice therefore being somewhat outgoing rather than shy.

What scares me most, is that when I am angry, I say things to the other person I know are going to hurt, & hear a voice in my own head telling me to just stop - don't say it - but I contine anyway & feel really bad afterwards. I feel like once I get started, I can't stop even though I want to. And then I just want to die because I was such an awful person & don't deserve to be on this planet - just a waste of space.

I know others don't understand me. But how can I expect them to when I don't either?

What hurts most is that the perpetrator has never been caught. I know my family tells me that God pays debts without using money, and most times I can settle for that, but other times ... I get so wound up cause I want that person to suffer the way I have for the last 26 years.

I kids myself that things are getting better ... but I know its a lie. I still have difficulty concentrating, & still get really blinding headaches, but worse - I don't like myself anymore.

The incident happened not long before christmas while on school break (I was 16yrs). I was back in school on first day of following school year (wearing a head-scarf to cover injuries). All but one of my friends shunned me on sight, & althoug I was a promising student the previous year, I couldn't remember any of the previous years work, & my school grades plummeted.

Kathy's picture

I have a brain injury from a terrible work accdent

I finally found ones that can relate to what i'am going through , I don't remember how my accident happened , just what i was told ...a heavy 500lb metal unit fell on me , cause someone pulled a four wheel dollie out from underh=neath, I was unconscious and was told it took 10 guys to lift the unit up , that i was under.

I suffered a fractured skull, fractured orbital bones under my eyes, fractured my sinus cavity , which i lost my sense of smell, i get dizziness, severe ongoing headaches like it's going to explode or I'am underneath water trying to get air and breathe, my vision is blurry , neck stiff, back is bad, i suffer short term memory probelms , and yes i have those emotional probelms , where i'am a different person and it's scary , especially for my kids , cause they're not use to me this way...as i use to be a calm, outgoing person , now i'am the opposite and no one understands , it hurts to make the people u love feel sad and confused .

I 'am so worried of the future , cause of how i feel , this pain is too much , constantly. is there anyone who has gotten better after a brain injury,? I worry of swelling , bleeding in my brain, etc .

Please take care

iluvgod's picture

brain hemorragge

I want to say i'm almost shocked at everyones stories,but i was searching for the same reasons.I've found them on this site..On that note, i'm releived to hear i'm not alone, but scared at the same time for the fact that this is all real.It's hard to grasped because i only want to be my old self again,and sometimes i feel like that is not going to happen..I am 32 yrs. old.I had a Brain Hemorrage in 2009, hospitalized, ct scans,MRI..but thankfully no brain surgery.Then i had my second brain bleed in 2010, almost exactly a year apart.i am very on edge,more blunt than ever, easily angered,inpatient,and even sad and cry. Not all the time, but i notice it more about 2 weeks before my period, which is scary because females are already in rage with PMS,then add a brain hemorrage and ,it's one big dissaster.i wasn't aware of my behavior for a while till it was brought to my attention.Then i started noticing it for myself, without openly admitting it.I love God and he is always been #1 in my life, but there is sometimes i feel completely out of control,and almost like a robot, or even sometimes,nothing at all.i feel just as lost as the rest of you all, i feel it is really sad that we are all suffering from this, and there is not a doctor, that i know of ,that really will completely know what are true feelings are..But i'm here to say that Jesus is a doctor,healer,and teacher,he will pull us through this together.He will stand up for us and fight our battles for us.All we have to do is believe in him,trust in him,and make him your only option and put him first in your life.Get on your knees and pray to him, get a bible and pray with that bible in your hands, and tell god to take this from you..You didn't sow it and your not gonna reap it, we will all overcome this, if god be before us,who be against us, if god be before us,then whom shall we fear...GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU...i will do my best to pray for everyone who is suffering from this...including myself

Tiffany Hill's picture

Humbled and Hopeful...

Hello! I cannot say that I understand what you are feeling. I have not had to endure the things that you all have suffered through. All I can say is that you are precisely correct. Jesus is a healer and a redeemer. He will right the wrongs that the enemy has placed on your lives. I do not pity you all, I respect you as SURVIVORS! There are not many people who have been through the trials that you all have been through and have lived to help others. You are more than conquerers! I pray that God will continue to give you all the strength to fight and vanquish over your tribulations. I do not know you, but please believe me when I say, I Love You! God placed a wonder in my heart which led me to this page. I have prayed for you and you will beat this! As long as you are alive, there is always a chance for recovery. I pray that you do not allow discouragement to steal your joy! Life WILL get better! God has sayed it and thus it is true! In the name of Jesus, be encouraged my brothers and sisters. There is a rainbow just around the bend!

Serendip Visitor VM's picture

Personality change post brain trauma

A fascinating book I am reading--Revelations for a New Era--offers a paradigm-shifting chapter on "Soul Transference." As part of one of the "Matthew" books (in which the author transcribes telepathic messages from her late son), this particular chapter describes how a comatose body can be the site of a negotiated "soul transfer," where memories are transferred, but where personality changes can be distinct.

It was sufficiently intriguing that I hopped online--and the testimonials above certainly resonate with the "changed personality," "as if it's a different soul."

I offer the reference in case it might offer insight to others.... I have no experience with this type of trauma.

Revelations for a New Era : Keys to Restoring Paradise on Earth
by Suzanne Ward
Paperback - Second Edition
ISBN-13: 9780971787520Pub. Date: 09/01/2001

Savala's picture

no emotion after accident, life is just images

We are in the dark ages when it comes to brain injury treatment, understanding, and recovery. The way I see it is like trying to explain DNA to someone from 1000 years ago. We have no idea. And when we try to explain to someone what it is like, there is no understanding. Even most doctors will not recognize that such an extensive injury can happen without it showing up on an MRI or CT.

I suffered a closed head injury 3 years ago. Prior to this, I guess you could have considered me a jack of all trades. I was a successful computer programmer, music producer, artist, singer, writer. I was an even keeled person with good social skills. Then in one day, in 1 second all this is taken away. I feel nothing. No calm, peace, joy, wonder, love, awe, anticipation, excitement. I can feel anger.. to an extent, but that is stunted even. I can cry, but there is no calming release afterwards like with a normal brain. I can still speak, remember, communicate... so people think, well.. she will be fine. But I am not.. and know I never will be again. They still see the woman that was externally. But internally I am gone. I mourn the loss of my soul every day. For that is what has happened. That which defines us is our ability to feel. And there is no "rehab" for getting that back. I miss who I had made myself become. In moment, my life experiences which shapes my personality were destroyed. I would trade the loss of a limb, my sight, for my mind. But we can't make those trades.

I hope 1000 years from now, we will be about to repair someones soul as easily as we suture wounds today. The thing I find so troubling is how God could have made that which controls our soul so fragile... so easy to be destroyed. For it is far more important to our survival than many of the other functions that heal so easily. But I guess if we look at our minds as computers, I can understand. It is easy to replay keys on a keyboard, or rewrite software, but once the CPU is damaged. there is no hope.

wayne knapton's picture

my brain

I fully understand how you feel and what youre going through. i had a brain bleed last year september (2007) and spent 3 weeks in hospital i was only 41 then. i just woke up one morning, had the worst headache ive ever had in my life and couldnt see that well either. it was frightening, i live alone. i collapsed in the ambulance and woke up a weeek later. it affected my eyesight, all be it mildly, my speech and balance were the worst. i had no warning at all and no symtoms. i had worked the day before as normal. i had a ct scan in november and got the all clear. 3 weeks later in december my speech was slurred and i kept being sick. My best friend took me back to the hospital where upon arrival i had a ct scan and another bleed. this time they didnt have to give me a caranial operation, the drugs worked, i spent about 8 days there. ive had physio to walk and my speech is vastly better too. i had 6 months off work in total, i wear glasses all the time, my speech and balance are about 95-97% there. ive returned to work, im an inspector for a local bus company. my job funilly enough helped me lots. the down side is as you say, on the outside you look fine, but inside your different. people expected the old take it on the chin wayne back, they were wrong. im alot more forthrite now, more gun ho. speak my mind more. do things differently. in so so so so many ways im very lucky, im fortunate. to look at me you wouldnt know, theres no signs. i got off lightly. the big big difference is my personality. ive changed, i cant help it, dont mean it. i just wish people could adapt with it, but its me- and im really sorry for that.....

Paul Grobstein's picture

repairing souls?

Many thanks for your story; I'd like to hear more. It raises some very interesting issues, not the least of which is the relation between brains and computers. My guess is that an important difference between the two is that computers are built to do particular tasks and so can indeed be broken in non-recoverable ways whereas brains, among other things, themselves define the tasks they wish to accomplish and retain that capacity despite quite substantial damage.

Along these lines, I'm reminded of

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