Dissociative Identity Disorder
Biology 202
1998 Second Web Reports
On Serendip
Dissociative Identity Disorder
Rachel Kaplan
Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) is considered by the American Psychiatric Association to be one of 4 main kinds of dissociative disorders (DSM-IV): "The essential feature of dissociative disorders is a disturbance or alteration in the normally integrative functions of identity, memory, or consciousness" (8). If identity is the main function affected, the person is said to have DID.Most non-DID people have one identity comprised of many parts that work harmoniously together. They have only one I-function which consists of a conglomeration of thoughts and feelings formed from connections between many different brain areas. People with MPD, however, have a decentralized, internal network of 2 or more I- functions or "alters," each with its own physiology, behavior, and cognitions.
Dissociation often enables victims to maintain a relatively healthy level of functioning because traumatic memories are disconnected from other information in their minds. A multiple presents her view of DID: "We do not SUFFER FROM MPD. We SURVIVE because of MPD" (6). Living with this disorder is often an extremely lonely, confusing experience. Luckily, there has been much success in treating this disorder thanks to the extensive research conducted into DID etiology.
The etiology may be explained by the diathesis-stress model. There appears to be a biological component given the fact that most people with DID have a family history of the disorder. It has also been found that people who are easily hypnotized are more susceptible to DID (5). The stress is known to come from severe physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse at a developmentally sensitive stage in childhood (3).
When a person experiences extreme stress "endogenous, stress-responsive neurohormones, such as cortisol, epinephrine and norepinephrine (NE), vasopressin, oxytocin and endogenous opioids" are released (10). These substances induce glucose release and activate the immune system, enabling the organism to effectively deal with the stress. Chronic stress, however, such as repeated sexual abuse, decreases the effectiveness of this system. It has been hypothesized that when the system is bombarded with chronic stress, there is a malfunction in the negative feedback loop which goes from the neurohormones back to the hypothalamus and pituitary gland. As a result, the system begins operating in positive feedback mode; increased cortisol release, for example, leads to increased cortisol production. The desensitization of the system causes the person to have an intense stress reaction in the presence of even the smallest trigger. Abnormalities in the limbic system have also been implicated in this condition.
This desensitized state exacerbates the dissociative process. In order to survive extreme stress, many children psychologically separate "thoughts, feelings, memories, and perceptions of traumatic experiences" (2). This coping method becomes increasingly ingrained the more frequent the abuse. The resulting highly conditioned, hypersensitive survival technique leads to impaired functioning. A person with a young child as one of his alters might bring out that child whenever there is even the slightest threat of an anxiety-provoking situation. In this way, if a traumatic event occurs, the pain gets isolated to one faction, a storage space, of the overall personality.
Memories from traumatic experiences are encoded in a unique way. Pierre Janet has suggested that the emotional impact of the trauma prevents the victim from translating the experience into the words and symbols which would be stored in the semantic memory. Instead, the experience gets stored in a "somatosensory or iconic level" form which makes for vivid and accurate recall (10). For example, 4-5 months after witnessing a murder, subjects showed excellent recall for details about the event (Cutshall 1989) (11). Neuroimaging studies have shown that during the stimulation of traumatic memories, there is decreased activity in Broca's area, the part of the brain most concerned with the translation of experience into words, and increased activity in the right hemisphere areas, parts which are involved in the processing of emotional and visual information. (Rauch et al., 1995) (11). A person with DID has stored these emotional and visual representations of traumatic incidents in a whole identity that is as stunted as the memories themselves.
Storage in semantic memory is easier on the ego because experiences are tempered through their translation. Also, because semantic memory integrates input into existing mental schemata, the information is subject to learning effects (10). When recalled, these memories are subject to distortion because of their emergence in a new context. There is debate, however, about whether traumatic memories can ever be changed. It has been found that with time sensorimotor and iconic memories tend to become restored as words and symbols which can be processed in connection with existing mental schemes (10). LeDoux, on the other hand, has postulated that "once formed, the subcortical traces of the conditioned fear response are indelible, and that 'emotional memory may be forever'" (10). LeDoux's theory does not bode well for the ability of trauma victims to unload their burdensome memories. There is definitive evidence, at least, that memories may be recovered.
Research has shown that memory retrieval is "state dependent (10): "physiological arousal in general can trigger trauma-related memories, while, conversely, trauma-related memories precipitate generalized physiological arousal (10). This phenomenon might explain why the presence of a trigger for a traumatic memory may induce a "switching" of alters. The memory may induce a stress reaction which would ultimately produce a different physiological state. It seems possible, given that alters have been shown to have different physiologies, that a specific physiological state might correspond with a specific alter. The concept of corollary discharge may be used to explain why the actions of one alter may affect the mind-set of others despite the psychological separation of these entities.
People with DID are reluctant to integrate their separate identities because they use them to cope; however, patients' quality of life has been shown to increase following treatment. Therapy should involve a nursing, medical, and primary therapist component. Therapists may direct patients to increase the strength of the entire system through increased internal communication and cooperation, the build up of ego strength, and the increased taking of responsibility for internal actions (7). It is very important that the patient gain a sense of control over his current cognitions and past memories. The multiple may gain control by recognizing the abused child's thoughts and feelings and by altering negative self-images (8). It is also vital that both the therapist and the patient show equal respect to all the alters.
Hypnotherapy and nonverbal therapy are commonly used in the treatment of DID. Hypnotherapy is commonly used in treating DID because of its facilitation of memory retrieval, "calming, soothing, containment, and ego strengthening" qualities (4). It can be used to increase communication between the alters and between the alters and the therapist. This method may also help in "fusion rituals (when previous psychotherapeutic work has cause a particular separateness to no longer serve a meaningful function for the patient's intrapsychic and environmental adaptation and when the patient is no longer narcissistically invested in maintaining the particular separateness)" (4). This is interesting because it indicates that a patient's pride might serve as an obstacle to his convalescence. The danger to hypnotherapy is that it may cause a patient to believe in a fantasy which he creates while under hypnosis.
Nonverbal treatment methods such as art and play therapy have also been proven useful in treating DID. Art therapy seems to be a freer expression of thoughts and feelings than verbal methods. The right side of the brain is more involved with creativity and the imagination; whereas, the left side is more concerned with language. Stimulating the right hemisphere might bring up "sensorimotor and iconic" memories more readily than if the person needed to filter input through the left hemisphere (10).
In general, most people respond fairly well to treatment depending on their baseline comorbidity (9). It has been shown that 60% of patients who undergo treatment maintain stable integration, which is defined by Kluft as "3 stable months of continuity of contemporary memory, with the absence of behaviorally evident separate identities (9).
DID research raises a lot of questions about the nature of the I-function. What are the implications of its being able to be fragmented? Perhaps the other I-functions, or separate identities, are merely different centers of connections with some of the same and some of their own links to other brain areas. Maybe the mechanism of the "fusion rituals" during hypnosis involves the solidification of links between the most dominant I-function and the alters such that when one is activated, the whole system becomes activated. Another possibility is that everyone possesses different centers of connections and somehow after repeated dissociation episodes, some people's links become severed.
Findings from DID research may be helpful for DID and non-DID sufferers alike. Research into this area has shed a lot of light into what kinds of cognitions lead to healthy functioning, among the most important of which are the need for a sense of control and self-love and respect. The research also highlights the interconnectedness of the mind and body: the fact that the psychological has a very real affect on the physiological and vice versa.
Works Cited
1) Re: Multiple Personality Disorders "NOSSCR Online"
2) The Effects of DID on Children of Trauma Survivors "Sidran"
3) Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality Disorder) "Sidran"
4) Guidelines for Treatment "ISSD"
5) About Multiple Personality Disorder and Dissociation
7) Clinical Case Study #2: "Hardscrabble Communications"
8) An Overview of Diagnosis and Treatment
9) Two-Year Follow-Up of Inpatients With Dissociative Identity Disorder
10) The Body Keeps the Score: Memory and the evolving psychobiology of post traumatic stress
11) Dissociation and the Fragmentary Nature of Traumatic memories: Overview and Exploratory Study
|
Continuing conversation
(to contribute your own observations/thoughts, write Serendip) 11/28/2005, from a Reader on the Web Excellent resource about the topic. |
1) What are some of the day-to-day concerns or issues people with the disorder face or people they live with face.
2) also, what are the percentage of cases in the U.S. of the people who have this disorder ... Evan Norrgard, 8 May 2006
I was diagnosed with DID. I see alot of pictures and visuals in my mind. I take these and work with what I see. If I see a house that has has a storm come throught I talk to myself and the alters about the storm. I also talk to THe Holy Spirit and see his help. I will ask the parts if they want to come an be integrated into me. They ususally do after some talk. I always feel relieve after such a talk.
I function well and work and enjoy a full life now, But I know there is more for me and I want travel the world and experience more goodness in life.
A hard part of this is that my mother and sisters do not except that anything traumatic ever happened to me and talk as though nothing ever happened. It is really strange.
Thank you for you imput. I wish I could come for some treatment, however I do not think that your prices are within my price range ... Lena, 3 December 2006
I suffer with DID and now after years of therapy, I seem to be going backward instead opf forward. There are so many stressors in my life right now I cant cope...any suggestions to help? ... Sam, 28 April 2007
Without a friend or support
I am hoping against all odds to have some help in my options at this time. I am a 64 year old woman whom has been diagnosed with PTSD and DID about 20 years after many years of all kinds of slightly to extremely off target diagnosis. I lived in Hawaii most of my adult life where I raised 4 children -successfully- and had 2 excellent psychologists. In between the two different doctors, I had a psychiatrist for less than a year who within the first 2 visits diagnosed the D.I.D. I have always had a streak of optimism and capacity for enjoyment. After going through 20 years of severe abuse (Birth to 20 years old) years of therapy, good support and my own tremendous willingness to LIVE well, versus be a survivor...I did manage a fairly good life..with episodes of crisis here and there. 7 years ago I moved to Seattle to help my daughter raise her children. A series of misfortunes, bad dentistry lead to an infection of my pericardium..then embolism..and from there, the mostly non existent mental health support went down hill. No records were ever asked from my HI doctors. No therapy and when the 1st crisis happened, when an incredibly insensitive Social worker (who was also:"the therapist") didn't have the courage to tell me that after I became 60, I would get no treatment at all. She altered my records to reflect the use of heroine. As unusual as it seems, I had never used or wanted drugs...(A profound spiritual focus may have been my best friend!)..from there it has escalated down to where I hardly recognize the person in my records as myself. There are good people who can vouch for my "innocence". Because now. when I am facing major surgery for cancer< a "Copes" aid has accused me of "coming to her with a threatening attitude and knife on hand" It is so preposterous I am speechless!..DSHS Social workers have taken this as true without even meeting the aid, who happens to be an aggressive young woman. I have gone through hell in my life, but I have never been so close to want to end it. And I am alone. Completely alone.
I hope there is some help for me.
Diana
Dissociative Identity Disorder
Diana- Yes, there is hope. I am very confused about the process of being "railroaded" that you describe. I certainly know how hard it is for many people with DID or any kind of trauma recovery to find accurate diagnosis and therapy at times. -But I have never heard of anyone being told they won't receive treatment after age 60, or of falsifying diagnoses.
I am a mental health therapy who has sort of ended up specializing in trauma recovery, personality disorders and DID. Seattle is a big city, I'm surprised you haven't found adequate resources. Had you checked out the Sidran Institute website to see if you can find someone in your area that specializes in issues like yours? I would be glad to help you in anyway I can, but I live in Indiana. I do have a friend in Seattle who may be able to put me in touch with more resources that would help you.
Can you name what you need first? I hear that you feel very alone. What about your family there? If you need support websites such as this, there are several good ones around to help find support and information. Are you currently "trapped" in some kind of situation because of this social worker that you are needing help extricating yourself from. If I can make better sense of your situation, perhaps myself and others on this website can at least help you figure out how to navigate your way through the system.
My Little Warrior Women
I am a 56 year old white woman. I was sexually abused by male relatives from age 2 1/2 to 7 or so; molested by hospital personnel at age 5 or 6. I grew up in a sexist rigid gender-role patriarchal home. I had no memory of this until I entered rehab for substance abuse in my 38th year. Though I was voted the "brilliant" child of the family, I was also the "crazy" one. The day I entered public school, and every year after, I was referred to counselors and was included in group therapy. I had periods of lost time and "blank outs" for as long as I can recall. As a very small child, my father designed a crash helmet for me out of a plastic soup bowl padded with foam that tied under my chin with ribbon, to keep me from cracking my head when I fell over.
I paid good money and precious time on counselors and psychiatrists to figure out why I was a drunk and a druggie. Went to treatment at age 39 - got clean and sober. . .but got beaten up with flashbacks of childhood sexual abuse.
I continued with the MD's, the PhD's, and the rest of the alphabet soup because I wanted to know why I found myself in bed with strange people I didn't know, why I found child-like drawings on my walls that my daughters denied, why I was in Kentucky when I lived in Illinois. Why my life did not improve no matter how many antidepressants I took or how much alcohol I didn't drink.
Finally, in 2003, I was diagnosed with PTSD and bi-polar D/O, and received appropriate treatment. I found yet another counselor and had a breakthrough: one of my alters ratted me out. I normally don't refer to my alters as alters. I call them my me's.
I am not what they term "fully integrated" but we live in peace. My me's are my warrior women who protected and sustained me, without whom, I would not have survived. I live today, because of their creativity and vigilance.
I remember the dark days as I struggled for breath at the bottom of the black sea, terrorized, my soul burning with hunger for breath and light. My husband would come home and find me in the fetal position in the closet. I would wander home two hours late with a black eye and no skin on my cheek. My warrior women sustained me. I knew that if living through it didn't kill me, remembering it would not.
Today, most days, I float upon the soft white foam of that same dark sea and my soul knows freedom and light.
I pray all who tread this journey come to know the joy of the truth. You survived that you might know a joy equal to the pain you once bore.
DID
I have been living with DID since I was 6 years old. It was the way I survived being raped by my father over and over. It became problematic when I was of the age where my children were born. I have been in psychiatric hospitals many more times than I like to remember. I was even treated with ECT as I was mis diagnosed with severe depression. Thank goodness I was fortunate to have been hooked up with my current therapist of the last 11 years. He has been exceptionally kind, understanding and educated in the treatment of DID. Without him I probably would have been dead a long time ago. Our relationship is based on kindness, honesty and trust. I have been on and off many different types of medication over the years, but have found that there really is no medication specifically for this disorder-- it's all symptom based treatment.
My husband has been very good with "us" over the years. I know it has been hard for him, but I give him much credit that he has stuck with me- extremely supportive. It is not often that a person with DID can claim that. If you think one of your relatives or friends has DID- get them to a competent therapist as quickly as possible- and offer them your complete support-- that is the best "medicine" anyone can give them-- thanks for listening-- Fran, liz, Nikki, Sara, Sue, Susie, Jenny, and Peter
CASE STUDY
HI MY A COLLEGE STUDENT STUDY PASYCHOLOGY AND IM DOING A RESEARCH PAPER ON DID AND I WAS WONDERING IF IT WAS POSSIBLE IF WE CAN TALK?
I have d.i.d. if you have
I have d.i.d. if you have questions. I am a victim of sexual abuse and ritual abuse.
sure...
If you eant to talk thats fine...just to tell you, Idon't even remember what I said on here and when I did it...just to say it might be a while when I "talk" to you.
Confused or just thinking too hard.
Hello I am a male of 18 years. I'm very confused if I have D.I.D or not, but I believe I do have this disorder or it could either also be that I'm thinking too hard to think I have it. My eldest brother said that people who has disorders do not even realize they have a disorder. I find that really hard to be true. The reason why I believe I have D.I.D is because I see like four total different people in myself, or rather say I have four personalities. Each having our own names of course and how we contribute to our life, having different aspects of life and much more. I'm unsure if any more will develop, because on the other hand I think I have five personalities, but the fifth one I'm so unsure about... GAH! It's so complicated to try to explain. I haven't really told anyone about this, so I haven't really asked anyone to tell me if I behave different. But I do have some of, or most of the symptoms. I have sleeping disorders, sometimes I get no sleep at all or too much sleep in one day. Eating disorders, I barely eat and I find it hard to know if I'm hungry or not, and when I eat a whole meal, I get hungry in like 2 hours. I weigh about 125 pounds for a 5'8 male, that's really underweight too. I often get amnesia! Sometimes when people tell me something, even it's a stupid conversation or it could be an important conversation, I may instantly forget what they just said and my mind jumps to one thing totally different from the topic. I don't remember everything, but like after three hours or so I would remember, or never at all. I hear voices in my own head, I sometimes talk to my "other" people or whoever they are in my own head and they would respond, or it could just be me talking to myself, GRR... yet again, very complicated to explain! Everytime I try to talk about something, my head can't focus! It literally feels like my brain is rushing with so much thoughts and it could be about random things... I can't concetrate... If you were me (or us) you would have a hard time trying to explain something... you just get this awkward feeling. I don'tknow if I should see a doctor, I could just be thinking too much and I don't know, I don't know who's really thinking that right this moment...
reply; confused or just thinking to hard?
Hi there! Im 16 and 6 months ago i was diagnosed with DID, and from what youve said, I think its safe to say that your diagnosis is dead on, mainly because what you wrote sounds exactley like me! I think that maybe you should see a therapist about all of this and get it straightened out. Good luck!!
DID Partner
Hello. My partner (who now has DID) and I have been seeing each other for about half a year now and don't know how people can be 'unsure if they have DID'. It's really obvious for us. He has 6 MP's;
Daphne who is a woodnymph/nymphomaniac(?) type character, whom I had to teach about cars and building to. She has since gained some of his common knowledge and the ability to read.
Jack, an 8 year old who loves playing Nintendo DS (Pokemon and Drawn to Life), pretending to be a cat and drawing.
Uriel, the mother figure, who is partner to Vandiel/Winston and helps me keep the house running.
Vandiel, the trickster. He had a horrible habit of rearranging food at the supermarket and books at the library. Once he toilet papered the house after my partner spend a day cleaning.
Winston, the animalistic(?) man. He's got mayjor reaction to the fight or flight thing. He's also Vandiel's Alter Ego. Yes,, an alter ego's alter ego. I shit you not.
Emmanuel, the 23 year old laywer who does drugs and drinks lots to cope with his life in my partners head. He's since fallen in love with me and promised never to do so again, so longs as I stay with him/them.
I believe, both Emmanuel and Daphne had suspended realities in my partners head to keep them unaware of the real world; as their awareness would have jepardised my partner's survival. He went out to do the shopping and woke up in a pet store holding a cat coller two days ago. Jack keeps asking if we can a cat. I have noticed also, MP's come out more at night and in shopping centers than anywhere else in our case.
Hope this helps. I'd love some messages from others with simillar happy memories.
DP/DR
I have been having a time of it for the last 6 months. I have had a great deal of trauma in my life and have a diagnosis of PTSD.
My sleep has been interrupted and I have been having vivid, maybe even lucid dreams. During my waking hours, I have been having panic attacks and triggers that find me remembering or finding new meanings to past events.
In the past, I lived my life within a script running through my mind. There were always people in my script who had very high expectations of my abilities. I would go about my life trying to perform well infront of these (mind) people.
After my first trigger, several years ago, I have stopped allow this script to run. I wanted to be more aware of what the real people around me were doing and saying.
life after DID
I guess my question comes from a different perspective and I am hoping that someone can help me understand. I am a mental health therapist who often works with clients with DID. I just finished a many year long work with a client with whom I had grown very close, and I've gone through hell and high water with her. I did this because I wanted to help her knowing she had been through all kinds of misunderstanding and abuse by the mental health system. She has successfully integrated at this point, but oddly enough I find I have become public enemy number one in her eyes. Now she is angry with me, and blames me for the things I did to help her get well. I may be a therapist, but I am also human. Can anyone explain to me where she may be coming from with all this. I always assumed that we would transition once she became well, but I never expected the rage and distance from me. It is hard from the therapists perspective too to have cared so much and worked with someone so long, to then start being verbally abused to the person you worked to help for so long.
I am a person with DID and
I am a person with DID and have been through the therapy roller coaster. I completely understand how close a therapist and client can get in this kind of traumatic and lengthy process. A couple of things come to mind as reasons for her actions. Number one- you integrated her so now she's pushing you away cause she figures you fixed her and you won't need to see her anymore so she's pushing you away first cause she thinks she won't get hurt that way. She may look at what you did to help her as traumatizing due to now learning about boundaries and may now think you were wrong. I really think it's the fear of losing you though. hope this helps. feel free to email me if u need
DID
I didn't really integrate her. It was a choice she sort of made spontaneously on her own, but it is true that all the work up to that point led to her and the alters being able to make that decision. It was sort of a surprise to me that she chose to integrate. I think it might have to do with fear of losing me. See we were both aware that over the years we had developed a very close relationship (it was still highly ethical and with her needs always put first), but we talked about how at some time we needed to transition her to another therapist, but i would still remain a support person in her life. These talks though would lead to so much chaos in her internal system that it just didn't seem like the time. When she integrated, that did seem like a time we might think about that transition because now that there weren't 30 of her to deal with, she didn't need me in the same way. I had no intention of "leaving her," just letting someone else transition into the primary therapy role with her. I know that even before she integrated, she got some weird paranoia things that would get going about me. Actually during our entire time working together, I worked to increase her support network. It wasn't healthy for either one of us, for it to just be me. I fully planned to continue offering my support, and being there for her. But my duty was for her to establish a normal life, and that meant expanding to new people and pursuing her own talents and interests.
I do understand at a personal level that fear that comes from fear of rejection- that says, "I'll reject you before you can reject me." I've done that in my own life when healing from some of my own issues. - But I never implied to her that I was leaving her, and after this whole thing got started, I made several attempts to bring healing between us. All of which were rejected.
What you say about boundaries is particularly interesting. We spent lots of time talking about maintaining appropriate boundaries between us. There was a sense of friendship between us, but my role was as her therapist and case manager, and if she ever felt like the fact we had developed a sense of closeness got in the way of our relationship being therapuetic, then we needed to adjust really fast. she always expressed finding great therapuetic value in our continuing to work together, and I have to believe that was true because I saw one healing after another taking place in her. It seems odd that when the issues of boundaries was something I was constantly checking out with her, and she always affirmed that the relationship was therapuetic to her, and I wasn't involved in any way that wasn't beneficial to her or what she wanted, that boundaries would become an issue. But I know there would have been such a huge change in her perspective one she had integrated, that I do wonder if this played a role. I somehow feel like I was put in a no win situation. I gave at the level of her need which helped her get better, but once she was better and her need changed, she questioned the way that I gave. Nothing was inappropriate between us or anything, but i did serve as a strong advocate for her at times. That is how i work though. I've had other people advocate for me in my times of need. It just always seemed like a gift I could give back.
It feels like I've tried to address with her all those things that may have caused her current state of upset, and it only made her more angry. So i just stopped thinking anything I could do would make it better.
her angry alter is probably
her angry alter is probably mad that you're trying to destroy her or she may be angry that she has recovered memories she wish she never did. she may be testing you as well
You've heard the old cleche,
You've heard the old cleche, "Don't kill the messenger"?
Sometimes we blame the one who diagnoses us. For me, it felt like an internal betrayal. I projected that onto the ones who were trying to help me with my mental health. I am a medical professional and my first comment was, "I'm NOT crazy!"
Of course understanding our diagnosis and understanding why we have had certain behaviors can be very comforting, yet our parts are how we deal with stress and trauma. We feel threatened due to the exposure a diagnosis brings.
Shame on you. Your patients therapy is, nor ever was about you. Get over your personal investment with this woman. Other than your fees, She owes you nothing. Perhaps you do not realize that you have expectations of this person...because you 'are human too'. She and her parts are aware of this. You have put your personality into "helping" her. I suggest you send her to another qualified therapist.
Your obsession with this patient borders on malpractice and may already be classified as such. Discuss these feelings with your peers. Get some unbiased professional insight into your dilemma.
DID
Her anger at me wouldn't be due to diagnosing her. I didn't do that diagnosis- that was many years before from a psychiatrist who was an expert in the field. Although I understand that at the time she reacted much as you described about the diagnosis. She was over that by the time I met her. Actually she was much relieved that I would believe the diagnosis, because she had many therapists in between the psychiatrist that I mentioned and myself who would not believe the diagnosis and kept saying she was paranoid schizophrenic and putting her on a lot of psychotropic meds that only made her worse, etc.
The "uniqueness" of our work together is that we both realized early on that it was such a good fit. There was good rapport in all kinds of areas. There was a sense of out interactions being synchronized no matter which alter was out, and there was just the true amazement of the work and watching all kind of levels of healing take place. I don't think I am odd as a therapist to say that I actually care about my clients. I am a pstoral counselor and it is not just a cold clinical situation. I choose to walk a path with them- and that means whether they can pay or can't pay, whether my employment situations changes or whatever. As long as I am useful to them, then still have access to me.
Of course this client didn't "owe" me anything. Common decency would have been nice. To go from a close trusting productive relationship to one of anger and cruelty within a matter of hours with nothing happening in between though I think is enough to brain boggle most people.
There was the initial struggle for me to come to some sense of peace with something like this that came out of the blue. Then there are the continuing disruptions to my life by phone calls to say hurtful things to me or my family. As far as malpractice- my focus on working with her was always on her and what was best for her in any particular situation, even if that was not always best for me. But after the works together ended, it is simply my own feelings that I have sought to deal with. I have done that through lots of supervision and consultation. I have done this by consulting with some in the "DID community" such as this forum to see if I could make any kind of sense of this.
None of my dealing with this has been within her awarness. This is simply about having given my very best to someone for a very long time, very intensely at times, then having that person turn in me in a way that I have never experiened and would never have expected. That is where the "I'm human too" comment came from. Therapists aren't cold hard objects. We feel. We get hurt. -And that is the peice I have been trying to deal with in my own life. I will always wish this woman well. I will always believe in her capacity to finish the healing process. I simply am experiencing a sense of loss and hurt too, and that is my peice to deal with, and that is what I am doing.
hi therapist, it sounds
hi therapist,
it sounds almost as if you've contacted another "layer" of alters and a protector is keeping you at bay?
Maybe there's a whole new layer of awful memories she doesn't want to get to and you're the scapegoat
so you cop all the anger?
Just a thought. I'm currently very angry with my therapist (who did nothing) because of the chaos in my life
after a whole new lot of memories came up
therapist
Random thoughts: How you handle this anger is critical to recovery. Often one part will not like being in therapy and another not want the relationship to end. Like a surly teenager, you must set clear boundaries on the verbal abuse. The rage may be a part that feels the need to protect for some reason or a part with borderline tendencies. ;-)
D.I.D.
I obviously cannot do anything about her anger since she immediately cut me out of her life. I would have wanted to work with her on this. I do have concerns whether she will be able to work herself through this place to work toward further healing. But I am also trying to work out my own healing because of parts of this feeling personally injuring by someone I genuinely loved and invested so much care in. I expected her to have a lot of anger. I didn't expect it to all be directed at me.
DID therapy
Dear Anonymous therapist,
Sounds like you are going too fast, and you are missing some pieces of the "how things work" puzzle particularly in understanding of the spiritual dimension. Integration is not a goal that should be pursued quickly.
Each of the parts needs to be healed of each and every trauma so that they can become co-conscious. Then each needs to get to the point of being unstuck in their emotional development. Each of the parts needs opportunity to fully express themselves doing things that are appropriate to their emotional age. As the parts have new experiences they grow up emotionally. As the parts share experiences they become more integrated at a natural rate.
By encouraging parts to integrate prematurely, they combine their unresolved problems and this is potentially overwhelming, and you may well be cast as the villain.
A second option is that a bunch of memories which you have not yet looked at in therapy have suddenly been triggered, and one part has taken over and gone into a protective mode. When this happens all the other parts are hidden, and the protective part does not let them out. The protective part probably has limited knowledge of all the good you have done, you have to start from scratch. The past bad emotions get superimposed on the the present situation, and this may lead you to be erroneously perceived as a perpetrator.
Bare in mind that you may have found less than a third of the parts that are really there. The level of healing, safety and trust required for the most scared and small parts to come forward is very extreme.
In my experience you will not succeed in this work without God's help to learn how to do it well and plan in meticulous detail the process of recovery and support. This work is difficult enough even with God helping at every step of the way, without his knowledge and insight, you don't stand a chance.
My final comment is that you do not seem aware of the presence and involvement of spirits. Each memory and each bad emotion may optionally include the presence of one or more spirits. The DID sufferers are typically very aware of the spiritual dimension, you can probably ask them "are there any spirits present, and what do they look like". The presence of a spirit simply makes an existing problem worse, and they add a malicious dimension to the whole scenario. You will need to learn how to identify spirits, and remove them simply and efficiently. I would expect there to be more than 1000 in total. Let's say you have had more than 200 successful therapy sessions and have not dealt with the spirits present, there could be up to 400 spirits hanging around, with nothing better to do than to stir up unpleasantness and to plant lies about you in their mind.
best regards
Keith
thanks
hey Keith,
I diden't even relize I posted anything on here, like you...
yes I know I'm a bad speller...thats me...thankyou for your comments.
Rose
response
I actually had not remembered writing to this website, so i was confused when I started getting responses. Now that I re-read my initial email I remember what I was thinking about at the time. Actually integration was never the goal for the client or for me. We were dealing with all the PTSD- of course through that I came to know the alters well and had positive relationships with them. I am a pastoral counselor, so we were often addressing spiritual issues too. I have learned more about the nature of how threatening it can be to the client once there is some integration and they realize there is someone out there who knows so much about them. As far as the integration it was something the client decided on their own- and only told me about it later. I believe there are other factors that contributed to the reaction that are not nearly so mysterious. Apparently there was someone else involved who was telling her lies about me, and me lies about her. Although i would have preferred to have talked and worked it out, since that is not she wants, there just isn't any contact at all. My hurt was truly caring about this client, and agreeing to walk a path with her toward healing even though at times I was judged for it too (not everyone believes in DID). I will always miss the client and with them well, but I cannot do anything to fix this situation.
Lost a battle, win the war
Fair enough, your explanation makes sense, the involvement of a third party messing things up sounds very unfortunate and fairly typical.
I once lost more than 3 years as a result of a similar situation. Sometimes I think it is a wonder that anyone with DID gets healed at all.
However, when the dust settles, at the end of the day God knows the truth, and will point them to the best place for their healing journey. All that work developing that deep level of trust and relationship will be needed for the next steps in healing when they eventually come back on track.
You do not have time to get hurt, you need this time to re-group, strengthen your position, finances, and emotional resolve. Try to see it in a bigger perspective, you may have lost a battle, but you have not lost the war.
best regards
Keith
She is borderline
Your patient is borderline (BPD) and you treated the DID part. Now she resents the control you had over her and devalued your relationship. She may cut you off completely.
I get it. I have DID and
I get it. I have DID and have worked with a therapist who thought integration was the therapeutic goal. After integrating one alter and suffering from the loss, I can't imagine going any further. The most personal thing people have is their innermost thoughts. Therapists who don't have DID can't imagine the richness of the internal thought process of the DID patient. Patients can explain it but you'll never experience having it or losing it. Now the person who has integrated, who bought into the idea that integration is good, has to deal with internal silence and loneliness. She may not have realized how hard that was going to be. My experience is that integration is permanent, and you can't get your old thought patterns back. It's really a cruelty performed by the therapeutic community based on outdated research and an inherent lack of understanding of "what is good". Better to learn love and acceptance, those old basic therapy goals, than to try integration. My advice is not what you want to hear. Refer her to another therapist who can help her understand that you were trying to help, and who can help her cope with the new thought structure she's going to have to live with for the rest of her life.
D.I.D.
Although I understand the change she would be experiencing in her inner world is immense. The problem with you theory in this case is that I never had the goal of integration for her. Neither did she. I always work according to what my client wants, and integration was never a goal. We worked with the PTSD, the depression and becoming more functional. She made the choice on her own that she needed to integrate due to health problems over the course of one night, and then told me about what had happened later. Her rage with me errrupted after that point with no explaination. It is not an issue of referring her to someone else or anything like that because she immediately cut connections with me, except to occasionally call me and rage at me, and threaten. When this happens it all throws me for a loop again. My writing to this forum, although trying to understand what might be happening inside her head, didn't have anything to do with trying to figure out what to do with her (since she cut connections, all I can do is pray for her), it was about me trying to deal with the feelings I am left with that knows I spent many years focusing only on how to help her see that I would not hurt her, and to never do anything to harm her, and then have her dumping all this on me, while refusing to process it. The phone calls have been more like a "hit and run." She says cruel things then hangs up. Although I am finally coming to the point of realizing this has to be some huge transference or something, I am only human, and our relationship was very deep and trusting, and I have simply felt very hurt and confused about a visciousness aimed toward me that is so contrary to our entire relationship.
D.I.D.
Dear Therapist: Not sure if you will read this as it has been almost 2 months since your last post. I feel a lot of sorrow for you and for this unwell woman and hope that someday you will have some kind of closure and possible reconciliation with this client that you have bonded with. I am DID and have been in process for about 2 1/2 years with a very caring therapist. We have been working hard and the goal for me is integration. It is what I want. But I can tell you that it is not what all of my alters want, there is a great deal of fear and distrust. And although you may not have done anything to betray the trust of this woman, that doesn't mean that it hasn't been seen that way by an alter that you may have never even met before. I just had an incident where I was triggered by something I read on pastoral abuse (which is in my past) and what I saw in my mind was my therapists face. And there was such a strong reaction internally to this, so strong. But I was able at that moment to touch base with him, let him know this had happened, and we worked through it. But this may not have turned out so well if it had been an alter that we had not already worked with. There are so many variables, so many pitfalls. My heart really does go out to you, all that you have invested and it goes out to her as well, for I'm sure that she hasn't any idea herself what has triggered this fear in her that is causing a severe acting out of anger toward you. It seems as if there is a very strong alter that has come out and come out raging at the person who appears to be caring, but may be seen by this alter as someone who will betray in the end. It may require that she build trust with another therapist in order to work through this tranference issue that took place with you. I pray for both of you, that neither of you will allow this to stop you from moving forward to other trusting relationships within the therapy room.
Dissociative Identity Disorder
Thank you for your kind comments. I too believe that something went haywire in whatever level of integration she did, and somehow I am now seen as some kind of threat. My sadness is that in the past we could always process anything, and yet she could never give us the change to process this, and I have no idea what "snapped" inside of her. Another level of grief for me is that I put so much at risk and sometimes had to sacrifice to walk this path with her, which often meant standing up for her against other people who would have invlidated her. I was willing to risk this way if I could be part of helping this amazing woman find some healing, but now I question whether any of it was worth anything. This question arises because the person/people I knew for so long was never so ill that she couldn't chose to be kind. But now I see someone who can be unkind on a regular basis, so I wonder if I really left her in any better place than she was. I saw much healing along the way, but since I don't know what caused the "snap" or how she perceives things now, I wonder if her life is really any better off. I do pray for her regularly. It would be nice if she and I could experience a healing of relationship, but it matters most that she continue on her own journey to healing.
I have worked as a therapist
I have worked as a therapist and also have DID. I had a therapist for 17 years who was with me as you were for this person. When she retired we were devastated even though I realized it was a natural part of life. I continue to struggle through this journey so am not "well" as is your former client. It is possible that life after DID is not all that she expected. It's even possible that she is lonely now that integration has occurred and she misses her parts. Some clinicians believe that DID is on the same continuum as Borderline Personality, so perhaps she is reacting to the transition by demonizing you. If you have not transitioned, you can either refer her or use her rage and distance as therapeutic fodder. Perhaps you inadvertently crossed the line in your mind between therapist and rescuer. While therapists definitely have feelings, try to remember that it's her illness talking. Best of luck to you.
The Switch
I am writing a paper and it seems that the only information about this disorder that I can't find is, what exactly happens when switching personalities? do you cough, or get headaches or space out? How do other people know you switched? I watched a few movies and they all were different in one it was just when people called her by the different names. Anyway, thanks for any help.
For me, the switch depends on
For me, the switch depends on who I am switching into. Sometimes, there is no physical trigger at all. I just switch over and become someone new. Other times, such as when I switch into my alter: Duty, I get nauseous and have a minor stomach ache. This is how I always know that I am about to switch over to him. Sometimes, I will get headaches, but that's more when I WANT to switch, but cannot. Or when I am partially switched. (Yes, it is possible to not completely switch into another alter.) When I am about to switch into Freedom, my heart rate picks up and for some reason, when I am about to switch into Power, I feel feverish.
I'm sure it all depends. I will say that the movies quite exaggerate it. It's not like a dramatic seizure or anything, it's usually just a small difference in some physical function.
As for other people, they usually are entirely unaware of the DID person's switch. In more extreme cases, it will be evident that a change of personality has definitely occured, and others may pick up on that, immediately. For higher functioning cases, the alters are incredible actors, able to seem almost normal to the surrounding people. There are still things that can be picked up on, of course. A change in vocal tone or idiosyncracies, for example. A person may go from sitting legs spread, spacing out and totally comfortable, and then might suddenly become rigid and nervous with the tendency to rub his hands together or scratch a certain place on his arm. It's all very circumstancial.
unlike the movies, switching
unlike the movies, switching is usually seamless. For some there may be headaches, stomach aches, dizziness, and a host of other symptoms just prior to the switch. For me, it depends on which alter is trying to come out that determines the physical sensation I may feel.
In public or around people who do not know of my DID the switching occurs without others noticing, this is a protective mechanism, after all, when I developed DID it would not have been safe to suddenly "become" someone else in front of an abuser or it could make them angry.
So the alters have always been seamless enough that no one knew they were there except maybe thinking that "I" had changed moods or expressions or something.
Now that I have a therapist and a couple of other people in my life who know of the DID, my alters will come out and be themselves rather than trying to pretend to be me.
When this switch occurs it can be almost instant if there is a trigger that causes it. I have noticed that there is usually a deep breath and a relaxing of my body just as the switch is about to occur.
For each person it is probably different.
I hope that helps you understand the complexities of this disorder a little better. I have been DID for over 40 years but only discovered that I was DID a year ago. I am in therapy and am working toward integration.
Hello Everybody
I was diagnosed with PTSD and Paranoid Sczephrenatic. I get lots of nightmares and being a male went through five rapes from the ages of 12 to 16 and alot of physical and sexual abuse from 13 to 16 years old. I pretty much draw a blank to everything that happened to me even though I know it did. I got heavily into drugs and alcohol since I was fourteen years old but stopped drugs about a year before I went into the US Navy. I was medically discharged from the US Navy, after spending three years in there. (What is amazing to me is I can speak the terms raped and sexually and physically abused and prostituted without feeling, but when somethings brings back the experiences to me I have no idea what to do are say I just break down and feel like I'm gonna tear apart)
The reason why I am even making a comment is because I go through alot a times where I forget the things I do and places I go alot. I hear people tell me I present myself different to them many times with different names and characters. I came on here looking for answers but feel more confused. I have my next therapy meeting at the beginning of March. I surely intend to bring these things up to him but it might be nice to hear from somebody, with a little medical knowledge -- I guess -- to maybe make the things I've been reading more understandable to me, if possible. I am actually terrified about my actions at times I used to drink alcohol to black outs and I expected them then but after over a year soberity I have no idea what's really going on but cruel people joke that I have this MPD or DID but I just want to be normal... Bye for now
WH
Not that I have any medical
Not that I have any medical background! But if I am not mistaken, DID is often diagnosed as many thingsbefore they come up with the right diagnosis. I would definatly say something to your doctor.... I am just on here to do a paper and just getting started. I hope that might be of some use. :)
My boyfriend may have DID
Hi please help me. I'm the same girl who posted above "How can best help a friend with DID..."
Firstly let me tell you that I've since posting actually discussed it with him. He said he was diagnosed with DID when he was in hospital. Then he told me several days later that actually he wasn't diagnosed with it, it was Dissociative Fugue, but they mentioned DID in some other context. But I - obviously with very very limited knowledge! - am certain I see too much evidence of DID to ignore it. And when he said he had been diagnosed with it, he talked about it in detail, the syptoms, never feeling like "himself", not sure who he really is, etc. So could he be now in denial saying he doesn't really have it?
I need to know if I'm - sorry to put it so harshly - wasting my time on this guy and being foolish. No-one understands what is going on inside him (I think I understand a lot but certainly not everything) and I am finding it so hard to just keep on having faith that underneath it all he really loves me and isn't just using this illness as a way to distance himself and not commit. I don't believe it about him, but there is so much inconsistency in his moods and personality it is hard to trust in him or know how I am supposed to be feeling. My moods are getting yanked around following his and it's making me so stressed and tired. Sometimes he wants extreme closeness bt sometimes he says he can't handle a relationship. I know he doesn't want to commit to something he can't handle and I respect him for that and I also care for his health and don't want to damage him with forced closeness or integration! But he wants us to be exclusive... although he sometimes encourages me to hook up with other people, then sometimes sulks about it, and sometimes get incredibly paranoid about random guys and accuses me of sleeping with people who I've never even looked at.
He says he is scared that it will go wrong and he will lose my friendship, and I will hate him and "end up just screaming and screaming at him..." I think he is remembering scenes from his childhood, or past relationships, or both. But a close friend recently said she thinks it is probably just sex to him and he only sees me as a friend. She is a nice girl who is friends with us both but I feel like she doesn't understand him at all. Am I being totally naive? Isn't that what people in horrible relationships, even abusive relationships, believe - "they just don't understand him"? How can I know for sure?
I would give anything to have a future with him and make him happy forever - even just for a little while if that's too much for him. But it is a lot for me to be giving and exhausting myself for if he doesn't even want to be with me in the end. He says he is just scared. My instincts and my heart tell me to be patient and keep offering him love until he is maybe ready to commit to more. I know it could be years and I feel that it would all be worth it if I have a chance to be with him. But logically a voice in my head is nagging that he should want to commit to something more concrete than this by now (we've been seeing each other for about five months). Is this just expecting him to behave in the same way as people who don't have his problem? Am I expecting too much or too little, I sometimes feel it is the former and sometimes feel it is the latter. I sometimes feel like I am actually having five different relationships with five different people. I am so frustrated and confused and I feel so lonely because it seems like no-one understands how complicated this is or believes me that he is worth it. It hurts me so much for people to think he's a bad person. He's so much more caring and respectful and loving than anyone else I've ever known. But I am so insecure anyway and I feel that he is much better than me, and I just want some sort of 'proof' that he really does love me and wants to make this work otherwise how can I know? I also wonder if this is normal, or an awful thing to say, but I feel horribly jealous of his therapist sometimes, who I believe is a man not a woman. It's just that he gets to see so much of him that he's hiding from me and maybe even gets to meet alters or even his inner child. I would love to be involved in his therapy but I don't want to upset him and I wonder if it's a reasonable request or not?
Please help!
I would like to have contact with
Some one with [DID] i have had an instrest in it and plan on using the things i learn from other people to help people with [DID] someday. I'm writing a paper and would really love it if some people would tell me there stories.
thankyou. =]
Do I have DID?
Okay I think i might have DID. My friends say i change to quickly. Like Im someone different everytime they see me. I already have other problems but I cant get help. I dont have the money ro get the help I need. So I need to know how to find out if I have it or not.
I wont metion my name but I will say I'm only 13.
I cant tell my mom because then she'll feel bad for not being able to help me.
Your 'feelings'
With the information you have given it is to hard to say but (save up) and get a refferal to a psychs point of view. It sounds unlikely from the scant details given but believe me if you think it might be 'fun' to have it, you haven't got it nor would you want it.
Tommy diagnosed (2years)
Do you remember everything
Do you remember everything that happens when your friends say that you change? It could just be hormones. If you're thirteen years old then this could be explained my puberty. If you remember what happens every minuite you're awake of every day then you don't have DID. Often people who have DID have blackouts and when they come to they are in a new place with no recollection of how they got there. As for your mother. You must talk to her becuase if you don't things could very easily get worse. When you're older you could be prone to substance abuse and chronic mental illness, it's also more difficult to keep your personal life in balance. So tell your mom and although she may not be able to get you the help that you need at the moment, at least she'll be aware of the problems so that if in the future she can sare for you, she'll know that she needs to :) Good Luck
-A.C
How can I best help a friend with DID?
I'm sorry to write this here but I don't know where else to go to and I don't want to tell any of my friends out of respect for him, because I know he would hate that, but I am concerned that the guy I'm involved with has DID. He was in hospital a year ago with a dissociative illness. (not DID, I think amnesia or fugue, I get confused between the two.) I've been trying to learn more about dissociative illnesses myself so I can understand and help him because he doesn't like to talk about it much. I think he feels ashamed, he said he's scared of losing his job and going back to hospital - I know he had a horrible scary time there. At times he's very open, caring, saying he loves me,saying we're a couple,telling me he wants the relationship to develop, tells me I'm wonderful... Sometimes he's almost like a child, sulky, frightened, craving love and upset at the most irrational things which he perceives as rejections. Then sometimes he is cold, disrepectful, and he talks differently. He admitted the other day he doesn't always remember conversations either. I thought I was imagining it until he told me that but I do see him struggle trying to remember when I mention conversations we've had, but he won't talk much about it, so I wasn't sure until he said so himself. He has also described what sounds like derealisation, basically saying people seem unreal around him. He gets frequent headaches, and fairly minor, manageable bouts of depression. He has also recently become very focused on his body image and lost loads of weight very very quickly. I recently read that eating disorders are also sometimes secondary symptoms of Dissociative Identity Disorder. But even if that isn't what it is, it worries me in itself. It really doesn't seem healthy, he looks pale and stressed a lot of the time, and I know he has trouble sleeping sometimes too. I love him very very much and I only wish he would trust me enough to talk about it. Because he is obviously troubled by something, if not DID then something else, perhaps just struggling with the childhood traumas he faced which he has touched upon but not told me about in detail. I see him flinch in pain when it comes up in conversation and I'm certain it wouldn't be kind to force him to talk about these memories yet.
But what should I do? Can I help him? My friends who haven't met him basically just think he's screwing me around by switching how he feels, saying we're together and wanting extreme closeness one minute, then this other side of him comes out and he just doesn't want a relationship, it's like the affectionate conversations never took place. But they don't know him, and I can't tell them about his time in hospital because he doesn't want it talked about, even though sometimes I find it difficult not to tell my friends about the things he has faced and confronted because I'm so proud of him. All our mutual friends who do know him and have seen us together believe he cares for me and say we're a great couple. These people are honest and I trust them, and I'm sure they wouldn't encourage a relationship if they believed he was just playing me. It's still incredibly confusing for me, and it must be for him too - I wish we could deal with it together. It is also painful and humiliating for me if people think he is just jerking me around and I'm buying his excuses. But I don't believe that is the case. He's so considerate, and I don't believe he wants to hurt me. If anything he is distancing himself because he doesnt want to hurt me. But I love him so much, and I love him unconditionally. I would do anything for him. It's worth any amount of complications if he truly has the feelings he says he does. I just wish he could trust me enough to let me love him and share a little bit more of what he's going through.
Respond to: How can I best help a friend with DID
I too like you am struggling with a similar scenerio. I have only started research the past 24 hours on the internet. It is hard to weave through all the different sites. I found one and am waiting for the morning to pass to call some numbers. Try going to National Alliance on Mental Illness website. The address is www.nami.org - they list helplines by state. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and deal with you similar behaviors. He can be really depressed, then angry, then craving that love. Mostly I have been dealing with a feminine alter lately, which has increased my concerns how to address that he may have DID. I think he already knows, but like you, he is ashamed to share with me. I feel if you really love each other you can help him with this as long as he wants the help. I can tell that you do love him and it seems he loves you. It is easier for his friends to understand as they have known him verses your friends but I can relate to how your friends may perceive him. Hang in and keep searching - help and support are out there for both of you!
i am a year 10 student and
i am a year 10 student and have currently taken an interest in DID or multiple personality disorders and am planning to write a paper on it for english. i would much appreciate it, as i am trying to gather as much information as possible, if anyone would like to share something. I was wondering how many alter personalities one person could have; and what are such possible ones.
thank you.
[DID] how many idenities can one person have
As far as i know one person can have an infinant number of identies.i knew people that suffered from three or four, then other people that could have as many as twenty-six to thirty.
To 10-Year Student RE Personality Numbers
Hi Jordan:
The development of personalities is due to events in the DID person's life and also the need that each individual feels for each personality to develop. So the numbers fluctuate. Some people with DID have only a few personalities, some have hundreds, some have thousands.
For instance, my abuse began when I was in the womb and lasted until I left home at age 18. I developed over 200 personalities. Most of my personalities were developed when I was young but since I was totally unprepared for life as I grew older, some personalities also formed when I was a teen and young adult.
If you want to read a description of how and why DID personalities develop in the moment, read my e-book, "Sky Eyes" http://www.akwbooks.com/BookStore/product.php?productid=16
Love & Light: Kriss
Dissociative Identity Disorder
as some advice, i would suggest you buy or download the series United States of Tara. it revolves around the day to day issues of a mother of two suffering from DID. she has 4 alters that regularly pop out when she is stressed.
through watching this show, i have learnt a lot about the disorder and i am doing a paper on it for my psychology class in yr 11.
please feel free to reply if this helps you :D:D
hope this helps :)
Hi, I'll try to help you with that :)
i'm not actually diagnosed with it or anything, but i have read alot about it and couldn't possibly be more sure that i have DID.
so i'll help the best i can!
a few years ago i had ALOT of alters, and i mean ALOT!
i'd say 25 atleast, i'm not too sure though, my memory is a little fuzzy so far back.
a few months ago i began piling all my alters into several primary alters. all the simular ones were all grouped together and eventually made one for each group.
it was only a few days ago that i developed my fourth primary alter.
so i hope that helps with how many someone can have :)
now, my four i've taken the time to name them, give them an age, etc. i've pretty much gone the whole 9 yards with this:
Rusty (my favorite one) - Is an 8 year old child. rusty carries the optomism, and happiness, and luv for hugs... just like a real child. my best friend katie (my bestest friend ever) is always trying to help me with personal problems like this, and rusty actually sees her as a motherly figure... several times when rusty was in control he almost called her mom by , accident XD
Z (my inner good) - Is a very mature 16 year old. Z is like a gaurdian for my alters, he sees rusty as a younger brother, and is the only one who is able to contact one of my other alters, KOG. Z constantly warns katie of any signs of danger and does his best to not only protect me, but y friends as well.
KOG (my inner evil) - is probably about 24 years old. he is the result of all my pent up anger and stress, i fear that if he ever gains control again that he'll hurt my friends and everyone else. he controlled me alot as a child, but i wasn't able to do much so he wasn't a threat... but now, if he ever got control, he'd pretty much go on a killing spree. He and Z are at constant war for control of me.
Veritas (whom i assume is the true me) - a 19 year old. he's suicidal and is always miserable. he usually is in control of me at night when i'm alone in my bed, he usually just cries... someimes he'll try taking one of my daggers and drive it through my chest, fortunetly he can't handle the pain of it and automatically puts Z into control...
my worst fear is that KOG will control me and kill Katie and the rest of my very few friends...
anyways, i hope this helped u a bit :D
i'm 15 by the way, and no one in my family knows that i have it... just a select few of my friends, and the people online that i tell, like u and anyone else reading this
i didn't put my real name because i dont want someone i know to accidently stumble across this and use it against me (i already had someone threaten me with this before)
and by someone i know, i mean one of the kids at school that picks on me... which is alot of them
I actually cried when I read
I actually cried when I read this. I suppose now, you're 16 or at least around that mark, hmm? I felt it necessary to reply to your comment because your situation is nearly identical to mine. I have not yet been diagnosed with DID, but have suspected that I have it since I was 15. I'm 17 now, and the proof continues to become more and more evident. What stunned me the most about your comment was that you have a child alter and a protecter alter who guards the child. You also have a control-freak homicidal alter.
Tray- eight years old and completely innocent. He thinks he's a werewolf, or maybe a dragon. He loves to paint and hum, and I believe he may be autistic. When evoked, he pulls his hair, slams his fists, and mutters nonsence.
Zirk or Duty- This alters name has changed because he has adapted and changed to better suit me. He is the protector and lives solely to protect the child. I always know when he has been active, because I have stomach aches and nausea and find difficulty speaking. He is silent and sarcastic and completely dutybound.
Kize- (EXPIRED) Kize was my evil alter. She wanted to murder my friends and family and caused me to often have suicidal thoughts and self mutilation. I would hear her voice, always condescending and hateful and I would bang my head into the ground or scratch a K onto my arms or pull out my hair. I managed to seperate her into two relatively harmless alters as listed here.
Reuben (Power)- Reuben took up the controlling part of kize. He is a sociopath, but mostly harmless. He is extremely fit and active and prone to quick bursts of rage.
Freedom (Faith)- My least favorite alter. She is the sex fiend airhead. She came from Kize's longing to be free. She is unpredictable and wild and loves to have fun. She loves to dance and sit in boys laps. I love to never be her. But it happens.
Anyway, I wanted to see if you still struggle with this. If KOG is still a problem, I will gladly give you advice to get rid of him. It took much effort and prayer to eliminate Kize, and often, she crawls back into the edge of my mind and begs to be let in. But there is no better feeling than to know that she is gone. I'd like to help you, if this message is still valid. :)
All that's happened since my first post
Well, alot has happened and i've learned so much more since then...
last February Z was eliminated by a new alter: Dastis.
i've also learned that KOG is the real me.
how Z was eliminated: well it was a confusing month, and there was much anger. KOG had nearly 30 lesser alters gang up on Z. while Z was distracted, KOG granted a large fraction of his power to a lesser and made it a full alter. that alter is Dastis.
recently i've been remaking Z... or should i say becoming him. I, Rusty, have found that i've matured and aged. i'm now 10.
also a few months back i lost control and Dastis was getting my friends to hate me. i had lost half my friends... and i remember now... this was before Dastis... i think... all i remember is Z telling my mom everything... i thought she believed me... but a few months later she accidently admitted she thought i was crazy.
... it's hard for me to think because i'm sick right now...
but yeah
i've also gained more friends...
so yeah, Veritas is still around i think... also i've found out 2 things about KOG: he's 16, and... he will soon break free from the chains that were placed on him several years ago. October 5th, exactly 8 years since he was locked up... that's what Z said before he was gone
hopefully something will happen to prevent this... i'm not ready to become a killer...
Dear Rusty,
I am very sorry to hear that you have gone through so many trials. I can only hope that I can somehow be able to help you in this time of hardship. I may not know the specifics but I can generally relate to what you are experiencing. Your KOG is the equivalent of my Kize. She, too, had a deadline. I felt that day ticking closer all the time. And with every moment I watched pass, Kize became stronger and even more hell-bent and smug.
At first, I thought it was manageable. But as the weeks turned to months and Kize became ever more ruthless, I started to see the danger. It came to a point where she was hurting my friends and myself. She would scream obscenities at me and shout about the day when she would at last be free. I became so frightened that suicide was a topic of debate frequently in my mind. Kize told me I was a coward and could never do it, and she was right. So instead, I practiced self-mutilation and considered running away, while every secound of indecision she spent growing stronger.
She was a demon. My personal Lucifer. She was a monster of destruction and had every intention of taking down as many people as she could into the grave with her.
Finally, when that day was iminent, I had a nightmare. I'd call it more of a hallucination, really. Or maybe a vision in which Kize was set free. I was her and she was me and we ran like a beast on all fours, our mouth foaming and our eyes wild. She killed a man in a wheelchair, stole a gun and killed an officer. I tried to fight her in the middle of an intersection, screaming and pulling my hair. I almost won... but then she saw the three people dearest to me, and she smiled widely and said simply, "They're next," and she began to chase after them.
It was this dream that turned the tables. I finally realized how real this all was and how I was the one responsible to stop it. If I failed, I would be a murderer.
It took every ounce of strength in my being to fight her off. I was completely alone in the battle. Every second of my day was spent trying to overrule her every thought. I took a lot of that time to think about how much I loved the people closest to me. How I appreciated even the smallest things about them and how much it would hurt to lose them. The more I loved, the weaker Kize became.
It also helped to never spend too much time deep in thought. Whenever I was bored with nothing to do, she would creep in. So i made an effort to keep myself busy. Artsy things really helped. Drawing, painting, even just cutting up a paper into a million little pieces was helpful, or at least a good distraction.
I cannot lie and say that it was my efforts alone that finally put her to rest. I will admit that I spent some moments desperately crying out to a God that Kize kept me from. I actually only prayed once, since she restricted me from being devoutly religious, but nonetheless, I feel it was He who made the final strike. If you are religious, Rusty, then I suggest some requests for Divine intervention. If you are not religious, then perhaps my other advice will suit you and you can be sure that I am requesting Divine intervention on your behalf. In other words, you are in my heart and my prayers.
Rusty, you have the power to stop KOG. You will not resort to murder because there are people that you love. Never stop thinking about those people and all the good that they've ever done for you. That will give you the strength to overpower this monster. I have faith in you and I will be here every step of the way if you wish for my assistance. I know what you're going through and I don't want you to be alone. You can do this. It may be hard, but you are strong enough to win.
Post new comment