House M.D. :Down the Rabbit Hole

Shayna S's picture

Play House Bingo while reading our script!

House Bingo

From: http://users.livejournal.com/_thickasabrick/3867.html

Here is the script for our performance today of House M.D.

 

Not Anne is talking about blogs
Not Anne has stomach ache in middle of teaching class. Very dramatic. 
TITLE SEQUENCE
Drs are talking about Anne (while walking in angry circles that make it look like we’re going somewhere.)
Cuddy introduces patient to everyone. She is an Eng Prof.
Wilson: What she teaching?
Cuddy: She is doing a class about blogs.
House: I don’t like your hair!
Wilson: But the cake her students brought in sure is delicious  
House: I never touch the stuff…all right, lovelies, we have a formula. Tell me some possibilities, let’s put it on a whiteboard!
Chase and Foraminerifera go back and forth between diseases and treatments; Wilson writes down one-word versions of what they suggest
Cameron: That’s unethical! I’m offended!
Wilson: All right, let’s get started. *starts music*
(MUSICAL MONTAAAAAAGE: testing things on patient, arguing, longful gazing, possible martial arts)(maybe)(for like a minute)
*Cuddy comes in, cuts off music**everybody be sad*
Cuddy: We already tried all those things. She’s getting worse!!!!!!¡¡¡¡
Kutner: We are getting further and further down the rabbit hole of wrong diagnosis!
Wilson: What about possible environmental causes?
House: Sure! 13, go break into the patient’s home.
Cuddy: Go talk to her students.
 
13 is interrogating the class
List of questions to ask the class on her card
 
13: They seem to love her. There is no motive here. They sure like their…CAKE. 
(whiteboard: CAKE??)
Cuddy: It doesn’t necessarily have to do with her being a professor. Why do we have to categorize people like that? She could have lyme disease or something!
Wilson: The English House is in the woods.
House: That’s way too normal for this show! We need something bizarre!
House: It must be something about those blogs. Remember that one blonde chick?
Wilson: The one we almost killed…?
Cuddy: When we make mistakes PEOPLE DIE…mostly because of Chase…
Chase: Foreman started it!
Foreman: *eyebrow thing*
huddle!
House: episode after—I mean, day after day, we do the same things to different people.
Wilson: This is our genre, House! This is our field of knowledge.
Cuddy: We’re DOCTORS!!! when we make mistakes, people DIEEEE!
House; We also recycle old material.
Wilson: to make something that works.
Cuddy: Maybe she’s overworked?
House: You’re stupid and I hate your hair! But ugly hair girl has a point. there’s too much in the patient’s head! run an MRI!
Wilson: we tried that! she had a seizure in the MRI machine!
House: the magnets are causing a reaction with the internet rays she’s absorbed into her skull! She needs an emergency cranioectomy! Off with her head!
Cuddy: That’s nonsense! This is completely unrealistic!
House: she‘s experiencing a state of mind, a frame, if you will, that’s ?????????????? if we remove the frame, we remove the problem!
Wilson: Don’t you guys think this tense moment would be a great time for a commercial break?
House: What? It’s information overload! Her head will EXPLODE if we don’t take it off!
Cuddy: I can’t authorize that! Just because she’s a professor doesn’t mean her head is full of evil internet rays! Stop categorizing people that way! etc. etc.
Wilson: You know he’s right, Cuddy.
Cuddy:…okay.
Cameron: I’m morally offended!
 
 
(about to perform cranioectomy)
Wilson: You don’t like anyone’s hair! I used to think it was just me!
House: I actually like your hair.
Wilson: Aw, House…that’s so sweet!
House: *claps hands together* SWEET!?!?!?!? *stares at audience and marches to patient* Stop the procedure! Pump that woman’s stomach and run a diagnostic on that whatever it is cake!
(doctors run in a crazy)
Cameron: You can’t do that!
House: The sugar in the cake was cancelling out the cyanide that was ALSO IN THE CAKE. 
Wilson: THE CAKE WAS A LIEEE? But it was so good…*keels over* *house kicks him
House: Go whine about it on your emo blog. *to patient* You’re deathly allergic to poisoned cake.
Cameron: That’s unethical!
House: (points to Mystery Envelope Student) Don’t you have something you want to tell us about?
Student: Yes, all right, I did it! It was me! I was experimenting with cake recipes for a final project, and I ran out of almond flavoring. So I used cyanide I figured the sugar in the cake would cancel out the poison!!! I brought the cake to class for everyone to sample-- 
Cuddy: But you neglected to mention that it was a DEATH CAKE.
Student: Everybody lies. (House high five???)
Wilson: I can’t believe you did that!
Cuddy: Yeah, we at Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital know better than to mess with established formulas!
House: Yes. (takes some vicodin from his pocket, gives it to Anne) You just need… uh, some of these, and you should be fine.
Anne: I feel so much better now! *whispers* Thanks for the vicodin. 
House: You are cured and I hate you. 

House/Wilson/Cuddy cuddlepuddle
Cuddy: So how did you know it was the cake, House?
Wilson: It’s genius! I don’t understand it!
House to audience: Everybody lies. Even the cake.
 
THE END
 
cards:
Cameron
Be prepared for a MUSICAL MONTAGE.
Whenever anyone proposes any course of action or voices an opinion, say, “I’m offended!”/”this is wrong, House!”/”you can’t do that!”/”That’s ridiculous!” etc.

Chase
Be prepared for a MUSICAL MONTAGE.
When discussing the diagnosis of the patient, propose any/all of the following possibilities:
Vasculitis
A lumbar puncture 
Lupus
When Cuddy accuses you of killing patients, say, “Foreman started it!”

Foreman:
Be prepared for a MUSICAL MONTAGE.
Volunteer any of these possible treatments in response to Chase’s possible diagnoses:
Vasculitis: We should start her on hormone therapy right away.
A lumbar puncture: We could try removing her epidermis, see if that helps.
Lupus: It’s not Lupus, Chase. 
When Chase accuses you of killing patients, raise your eyebrows in extremely obvious annoyance.

Thirteen:
Be prepared for a MUSICAL MONTAGE.
When prompted, investigate the class. Ask the class: What do you guys think of this class? Do you like your professor?
Report back to the team: They seem to love their professor. There’s no motive here. They sure do love their… CAKE.

Student 
When asked about your Genres class, talk about what you’ve been learning and how you like it.

Student 
When asked about your Genres class, talk about what you’ve been learning and how you like it.
When asked, “Do you like your professor?” respond, “I brought her cake!”

Kutner
Be prepared for a MUSICAL MONTAGE.
After Cuddy says: We tried all those things, she’s getting worse! say…
We are getting further and further down the rabbit hole of wrong diagnosis!



Patient
Begin teaching a genre-related class, then become dramatically incapacitated by a terrible stomachache. Feel free to fall down dramatically onto the ground and twitch.
When House finally diagnoses you correctly, at the end of the episode:
You: Wow, I feel so much better now! Thanks for the vicodin.

SECRET ENVLEOPE/FOLDED PAPER
(Open this only when prompted at the end of the episode.)
You: Yes, all right, I did it! It was me! I was experimenting with cake recipes for a final project, and I ran out of almond flavoring, so I used cyanide. I figured the sugar in the cake would cancel out the poison!!! I brought the cake to class for everyone to sample-- 
Cuddy: But you neglected to mention that it was a DEATH CAKE.
Student: Everybody lies. (House high five???)

 

Comments

jrlewis's picture

From a Part of the Parody

I absolutely loved your performance.  It was an honor to be part of a parody in the company of Anne Dalke and Gregory House.  Made me feel like a very imoprtant part of our class.  Thanks for that, it was a great way to end my last class at Bryn Mawr!

I just have one problem... I'd like to think that I am a good enough biochemist to know that common sugar, succrose, or its components glucose and fructose are not treatments for cyanide poisoning!  I would have had to add a series of salts to the cake and hope that they could be metabolized orally. 

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