interloper's picture

The crows scold me loudly, 
I walk to my job.
It makes me aware 
Of the sneer that I wear.

Slip in the backgate,
Into decay
Like the day before. 
The decay before.

Where did the air go?

I search through my phone.

There is no reason,
No less, no more.
I pass every test 
And become less impressed.

I removed the exclamation point,
It just seemed more sincere that way.
Where did the air go?


jrlewis's picture

serious revision

You've done some really serious revision here.  You managed to keep all the rhymes I loved, while expanding the poem.  The new line breaks and stanzas serve to slow down the speed of the poem.  It is much easier to take in on the first reading now.  I'm finding more causal relationships and less associations here.  The poem seems much more confident of its meaning here.  Does this version feel closer to realizing your intentions?

interloper's picture


This version definitely felt more like what I wanted to say. I realize in hindsight I rushed the original version out and should have put it away for one more rewrite before posting it. 

I am not sure I understand what you mean by causal relationships vs associations. You may have to educate me about this.

jrlewis's picture

Why, why, why things are the way they are.

In the earlier draft of the poem, ideas and sensations were strung together.  I knew that they made sense to the narrator.  In fact, it felt like I was eavesdropping inside the narrator's head.  This is what I meant by associations, the narrator's associations.  

In the second draft of the poem, I felt like there was more of a logical progression of thoughts and ideas.  I was able to understadn how one image or idea followed from another.  It was more explicit, more logical.  The narrative felt as though it was progressing towards something.  

jrlewis's picture

I'm most impressed with your

I'm most impressed with your pairing of the words test and impressed.  That's a pretty powerful rhyme for one line.  The rhymes in the first line don't work quite as well for me.  There is a sort of disengenuousness on the part of the narrator claiming to never be aware of sneering.  They must be aware of it to be writing about it.  Is the narrator trying to say that the sneer is unconscious?  That strikes me as inconsistent with the rest of the poem which gives ample explanation for the narrator's sneer.  So I guess I am questioning the nature of the narrator's awareness.

interloper's picture

not right

I think this poem is not right. I was struggling to get it out and had promised to do it before the day was done. When I read it now I know it is not how I want it to be. Stay tuned for a revision.

interloper's picture


The poem has been revised. The original version is here:

I'm never aware of the sneer i wear
The crows scold me loudly, I walk to my job.
Slip through the backgate into decay
Just like the day before.

Where did the air go?
I search through my phone.
I remove the exclamation point,
It just seems more sincere.

There is no reason, no less, no more. 
I pass every test and become less impressed.

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